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How to Talk About Sex Without Dying of Awkwardness

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The first time Amelia, 30, a playwright from Brooklyn, had an orgasm with a boyfriend, it was by accident. “It just happened. I hadn’t told him what to do,” she says. Until then, Amelia, like many women in the early stages of their sexual history, didn’t care about her satisfaction enough to risk the awkwardness of talking about sex with her partner. But the orgasm changed everything: She’d had it, she liked it, and now she wanted to replicate it.

“I would get crazy enthusiastic when I got close,” she recalls. “‘Yes! Keep doing that!'” But rather than give him direction, Amelia would wait for him to start doing…whatever he decided and hope she’d climax again. Because for Amelia, and women everywhere, talking about sex, even with a trusted sexual partner, is tough.

We watch movies about sex, listen to musicians sing about it, and gossip with our friends about it over brunch—we’re a nation obsessed. And yet there’s one place where we’re surprisingly silent on the issue: the bedroom.

 

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Most of us know communicating about sex is key to sexual satisfaction. It’s a feedback loop: You tell your partner what you like, he or she does that, and you have sex you like. But shockingly, the average adult knows only 26 percent of their partner’s sexual dislikes, and we aren’t much more informed about what they do like, according to research by Sandra Byers, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of New Brunswick.

“There’s a very prevalent myth that if our partners love us or understand us, they should be able to read our minds and know exactly what we like in bed,” explains Byers. The truth is, just because they figure it out once, doesn’t mean they have your O on lock. “Even if your partner understands you well, they still can’t know what you want at this moment. The only person who knows that is you.” And the only way for your partner to know what you want is for you to—yep—say it. And yet, whether it’s the love of your life or guy of the moment, telling someone they rock your world but could they please try more of X and not Y and maybe softer/a little higher/with less saliva can be awkward AF, especially when a fragile ego is involved.

But the benefits so outweigh the costs. Take Charly, 29, a writer and graduate student from New York. Her first relationship was in college, and the sex was just okay, although she never spoke up. “I was scared,” she remembers. So she resigned herself to a routine that was totally meh and put up with it for years. By the time Charly graduated (and broke up with that BF), she was ready to take a less passive approach to her sex life. So with her next boyfriend, she psyched herself up to talk about it. “I was scared the first time I broached the topic,” she says. “But the more we talked about it together, the easier it became. I realized that by telling him my preferences, I had the power to make sex more enjoyable for me.” And Charly’s new boyfriend was more than up for a little tutoring. “Making it good for me turns him on! That blew my mind.”

Communicating your sexual likes and dislikes is just as important if you’re single with casual partners. Eventually, Amelia, of the elusive orgasm, got fed up with her lackluster sex life. Step one was learning how to get herself off. Step two was relaying that knowledge to her partners. “Now I can confidently say, ‘This works, this doesn’t work all the time, and this doesn’t work at all.'” That long-awaited orgasm? Achieved (and not just with one guy).

Of course, there’s a chance the convo may not go as you’d hoped. Take Ann, 25, a copywriter in New York City, who once suggested to her then-BF that they watch porn because it turned her on. He replied with a critical “Um, why? Don’t I get you excited?” Intimidated by his hostile tone, Ann ended the conversation. It’s annoying when talking about sex doesn’t go as planned—or when your partner doesn’t want to go there—but if a guy can’t handle talking about a relationship matter as important as sex, he’s probably not great at communicating about other crucial things. “For me, honesty is huge, and so is being receptive when your partner is vulnerable enough to ask for something like this,” Ann says. “That’s one of the reasons he became an ex.”

Margo, 29, from San Diego, says the sex convos she has with her boyfriend are an integral part of what makes their relationship work. “Once we talked openly, it came out that both of us wished we were having more—and wilder—sex,” she says. “Now it’s a relief to feel I can ask for what I want and say what’s on my mind.”

Chiara Atik wrote the critically acclaimed play Five Times in One Night.

 

This article was originally published as “How to Talk About Sex Without Dying of Awkwardness” in the January 2016 issue of Cosmopolitan.

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DATING & RELATIONSHIP

Banky W and wife, Adesua welcome their first child

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Banky W and wife adesuaetomi, welcome their first child together he confirmed their new arrival in his Birthday message to his wife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He wrote:

“Happy birthday to my lady, my love and Purpose Partner,
My world, my wife and Baby Mama.

I didn’t think it was possible for you to be more beautiful than you already were… but I was wrong.

Because you’re not just beautiful, you’re strong.

You’re grace and favour personified, and you’re so much more.

Words cannot properly express how grateful I am for you, how much I love you, or what we’ve been through.

I’m thankful that you’re mine
And that God made everything beautiful in His time
He turned our tears into triumph, and our loss into laughter
He’s changed our lives forever, here’s to the next (and best) chapter
Nothing I can say or do can top what He gave us
My baby had a baby and he’s everything we prayed for

@adesuaetomi
Happy birthday “Mama Zaiah”
I love you SCATTER.

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DATING & RELATIONSHIP

‘If a man buys you flowers, buy him grass’ – Rapper, Cardi B advises women ahead of Valentine’s Day

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American rapper, Cardi B, has taken to Twitter to admit to her female fans that men deserve to get gifts for Valentine’s Day, but it has to be less expensive than the women’s gift.

She also shared a bit of funny advice to her female fans, saying that if their partners get them flowers on Valentine’s Day, they should return the favour by getting them ‘grass.’

The mother of one wrote: “Yes ! Men do deserve to get gift as well for Valentine’s Day, but the gift have to be less expensive than the girls gift . Soo if he buys you flowers you buy him grass.”

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DATING & RELATIONSHIP

Davido and fiancee, Chioma allegedly fight over his entanglement with two women

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Nigerian singer, Davido and his fiancee, Chioma allegedly fought recently over Davido‘s entanglement with different ladies.

Blogger, Cutie Juls claimed that the couple fought after Chioma confronted him over his extravagant lifestyle and entanglement with women.

Cutie wrote;

“Hmmm so when Papa Ifeanyi arrived from Enugu eehn, there was big fight o. This happened just before he left for Ghana. Huge one.. Papa and Mama fight wella.

Papa go knack 2 different recently wey mama hear of am. Mama con vex wella.
Na in I con send out telegraph.. As mama heard the amount of money David spent on women, she con vex. Confronted David.. It was a very heated argurment.

It took David’s lawyer to restore some small peace between the couple before David jet out to Ghana.

Let’s pray for Mama and Papa Ifeanyi. No wonder peole thay saw David earlier on in Ghana said the way he was riding a motor bike carelessly on the streets of Accra yesterday, looked like someone who was either high or troubled. 🙏😥

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